My First/Biggest Heartbreak

So let’s talk about the sakit in our hearts that no medicine can cure. That pait whenever we hear a song that makes us remember about that bitter moment. The kurot in our hearts when we see their Facebook profile and see them happy with that puting-dala-ng-glutha girl.

Mga Tita let’s talk about our first/biggest heartbreak.

Baby Turon makes kwento:

I’ll admit it. Medyo may kurot pa din whenever I have to remember topics like this. I can say na 75% move on na ako pero syempre may 25% pa din na natitira kahit ilang beses na ako naligo at nag-alay ng dugo ng baboy. Chos! Kaya ang mga susunod kong sasabihin ay dala ng tirang 25%.

So ayun nga, I guess that pain never really goes away para na rin i-remind ka na minsan naging tanga ka at ito ang mangyayari sayo ulit kapag nagpakatanga ka pa.

Kaya siguro ingat na ingat na ako ngayon kasi ilang beses akong naging tanga at itinodo ang lahat.

Sa totoo lang, maraming beses akong naging tanga at pinahiya ang sarili ko pero ang pinakamalupet sa kanila ay nung nasa high school pa ako. Yung heartbreak na yun ang mother of all mother f*ckin heartbreak ko.

Matindi kasi crush ko nun sa isa kong kaklase. Alam n’yo na young love plus raging hormones.tumblr_m6e457edsu1ryj6qoo1_500

Okay lang naman sana yung crush-crush ang kaso ang gaga nagpaka-feelingera. Mahihiya ang mga graduate ng Assumption College sa pagka-asumera ko. Feel na feel ko kasi noon na bet din ako ni kuya at talagang road to forever na kami. In-imagine ko na nga ang magiging kasal namin. Sabi ko pa Forevermore ng Side A ang kakantahin sa pag-walk down the aisle ko during our garden wedding. Ganun katindi ang pagpantasya ko! Sagad!

Then one night nag-text ang isa kong close friend na ka-text daw nya si crush at that time. Ang sabi daw ni crush eh di naman daw nya ako talaga gusto at ako lang naman daw itong habol ng habol sa kanya. Ang ulol ginawa pa akong aso!

Oh s’ya sige sabihin natin na may paglalandi din sa part ko pero nilandi din naman nya ako. Lokong yun biglang nagka-amnesia! Biglang nakalimutan ang paghaharot nya sakin!

Ilang beses akong nag-walling sa banyo nun. Mag-sha-shower pa talaga ako noon para lang umiyak kasi napanood ko sa TV na kapag umiyak ka daw sa shower ay di halatang umiyak ka after. Siraulo nagsabi nun! Mapula pa din mata ko pagkatapos so sinasabi ko na lang tuloy na nalagyan ng shampoo mata ko. Walanghiya talaga! Tumaas lang bill namin sa tubig nun eh!

1z6ts8i1After that night, I don’t remember kung ano na specifically pinaggagawa ko sa kanya pero alam ko mga ilang buwan din kami di nagpapansinan. Deadma talaga sya sakin hanggang sa jinowa na nya halos ang buong batch namin at hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming nawalan ng contact nung mag-college na. Siguro nagkita lang kami nung nagtatrabaho na ako at during that time nasa 75% move on na ako kaya di na ako kinilig pa.

After ni high school crush marami pa din akong kapalpakan sa pag-ibig na pinaggagawa. Meron pa ako noon na binigyan ng love letter ng graduation namin nung college pero ang gago pinabasa sa buong block namin. Super dyahe talaga. Kaya promise ko sa sarili ko na never na ako gagawa ng love letter EVER!

Pero siguro dahil sa lahat ng kapalpakan na ito kaya ngayon ingat na ingat na ako. Sa sobrang ingat ko kahit konting kilig pa lang ay pinuputol ko na. Lumalayo o umiiwas na agad ako para saganun di na maulit ang pagka-asumera ng taon ko. Mahirap ang maging title holder taon-taon ah. Di ko alam kung mawawala pa itong takot ko pero sa ngayon I’ll keep this wall around my heart. Mahirap na baka may makapasok na magnanakaw.

~Sensuelle's Picture Book~


 

Ms. Bibingkineetan makes kwento:

This story is definitely not the worst heartbreak na naranasan ko, but this one was the first. Eto yung nagpa.realize saken na hindi pala madali ang mag.invest ng feelings to someone tapos mababalewala lang lahat. That also taught me to be smart on choosing and knowing who you will love.

So here you go…

Nung Highschool ako isa ako sa funny, makulet, maingay, at boyish. Kasama ako sa mga studyanteng laging nasa likod ng classroom na nam.bubully sa mga nerdy sa harap. And then I met him sa class, siya ay quiet, serious, taga tawa lang at hindi nag.cucutting. In short, kabaligtaran ko siya.

Naging close kami dahil naging “tulay” ako dun sa nililigawan niya na classmate namin. But eventually, nagkagustuhan kaming dalawa. (Ako na ang sulutera ng taon!) At naging kami nga.

At first sobrang ok.. sobrang sweet..sobrang inspired. Ganadong-ganado ako pumasok, at siya din ganun. We go out pag weekends at minsan dumadalaw sa bahay. He was even my Prom date. I changed.. for him.

Then one day, kinausap ako nung isang friend ko na lalaki at sinabi niya sa akin na may pustahang naganap between them nung ex ko. Pinagpustahan nila ako. Ang kapal ng mukha magpustahan eh nanghihingi lang naman ng baon sa Nanay. Akala ko sa pelikula lang ni Dingdong Dantes at Antoinette Taus may eksenang ganun. Pero badtrip, totoo nga.. pinaamin ko siya. Ang shaket besh! Para akong shinuntok sha ipen! (Parang si Bunak) Gusto kong magwala.. gusto ko sila ipabugbog sa mga tambay sa amin. Gusto kong ibalibag lahat ng laman ng table ng Teacher ko habang sumisigaw ng “Niloko niyo ko! mga walanghiya kayo!..”

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Hindi ako umattend ng last 3 subjects that day. Ayoko siya makita, ayoko siya makausap at ayoko marinig ang mga paliwanag niya. Pinagpapasalamat ko na din na matatapos na ang school year at hindi ko na siya makakasama sa iisang section. So deadma nalang ako nung mga natitirang araw ng pasok, tapang-tapangan, at feeling manhid.

Ito ang isa sa naging bubog ko sa buhay kaya ako may trust issues. That experience taught me how to be careful with my heart. After that, I told myself, “Bangon Girl!.. hindi siya kawalan.. hindi rin naman siya ganun kagwapuhan…you’ll find someone better..”

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Walang nagmahal ng hindi nasaktan, walang hindi nasaktan na nagmahal.. minsan iniisip ko.. nasaktan ba ako dahil nagmahal ako o hindi ako nagmahal dahil nasaktan ako..o baka naman talaga hindi ako minahal kaya ako nasaktan.. – Eugene Domingo, Ang Babae Sa Septic Tank 2

Gusto kong yakapin si Mareng Uge habang sinasabi niya ang linyang ito at sabihin sa kanya na ..’Kaya mo yan Mars, I feel you..’

Sabi nga ng Pastor namin.. Hanggang nandito pa tayo sa mundo.. we will never be exempted to any hurts. It is simply because we are living in an imperfect world and we are living in this world imperfectly.

Just learn to forgive, forget and move on. And true enough, yung naranasan kong yun noon… pinagtatawanan ko nalang siya ngayon.

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Pattybumbong makes kwento:

If my first heartbreak thought me something, it’s ‘Ang unang umamin, talo.’

PE class, 2nd YR college, 2nd sem: I decided to enroll in softball. Bilang late enrollee ako, wala naman akong ibang choice kundi mag softball para makumpleto ung unit ko for that sem. Half hearted ako to take that class kaya napagtripan kong okrayin ang mga kaklase ko. Sabi ko, ang boys walang pag asa. Either bading o mukhang holdaper. Extremes! Sa mukhang hoodlum kong classmates, hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko’t bumili ako ng sim card para magpanggap na secret admirer niya.

If there was anything I was good at, it is being anonymous. Everything went well, at first. Maliban sa magkatext kami, at ‘bie’ ang tawagan namin, gumawa rin ako ng friendster account using a fake first name and his last name. His last name.

The Bachelor fan abc nick premiere

Soon enough nagselos ako. Nagselos ako sa anonymous self ko. Why does it feel like a part of me is this close to him yet he doesn’t seem to know that ‘I’ exist? Weird classmate lang ako while my anonymous self gets ‘Good morning, Kumain ka na ba?, Musta araw mo?’ messages. My anonymous self enjoyed his company while my other half badly craved for his affection.

The craving took a toll on me. Kahit gaano pa kadalas kong patugtugin at kantahin ang ‘Kailan by MYMP’, hindi niya ako mahuli. Paano ba eh akala nga ng first year classmates ko pipi ako. Nagugulat pa sila nung first time kong mag recite sa klase. Bilang gasgas na gasgas na sa playlist ko ang ‘Kailan’, I made a move. I started sitting close to where he is para naririnig ko siya at naririnig niya ako. Kunwari nagkkwento ako sa katabi ko pero ang totoo nagpapapansin ako sa nasa harap ko. Nung ishare ko sa group kwentuhan na ayaw kong tawagin ako sa second name ko, he started calling me by my second name. It was the first time ever that I was thankful of my second given name. Kahit pa nagkkunwari akong asar na asar, in reality kinikilig ako. Nagkkuwentuhan din kami minsan pero madalas na saglit lang kasi hindi ko mapigilang magkulay pula yung mukha ko.

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I had fun playing secret admirer but it was no doubt more rewarding to spend time with him sa totoong buhay, with my katawang lupa.I was texting him less and talking to him more. I still can’t let go of my secret admirer self bilang hindi ko naman siya natatawag na ‘Baby’ in real life, and calling him that and being called that by him filled my tummy with fluttering butterflies. Para silang nagpaparty palagi!

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Since I was talking to him more, I became careless. The walls on my secret identity slowly shattered. I was out! Well, kind of. I didn’t want to lie to him anymore. So I decided to stop being a secret admirer. Before I deactivated the fake Friendster account, I checked his profile. To my surprise, meron pala siyang bestfriend na babae. There was a strange pain that struck me. Then jealousy. Then anger. I ended up keeping the Friendster account and started stalking the girl. I found out that she was in a relationship but I didn’t trust Friendster relationship statuses. I texted him and told him what I found out. I said I want to be honest that I didn’t like him having a girl bestfriend, kahit na alam kong wala akong karapatang idemand yun sa kanya. I was jealous and I didn’t care what I need to do. I just want her out of ‘our’ life. His tone changed. He said that the girl was just his friend and he was important to him. He cared for her more than he cared for me from the way he responded. I suddenly knew where I stand.

I didn’t know how but it must’ve been because I was careless that he found me out. Nagtext lang siya bigla asking if I was this girl and I responded with the username and password of the Friendster account. Mabilis na lahat after that. His girl best friend messaged me. Nagpapalit kasi sila ng phone. She asked me to stop texting her bestfriend. Naisip ko agad na siguro hindi lang niya masabi sa akin na hindi niya ako gusto o ayaw na niya akong itext. So I stopped. I cried. Di ko mapigilan. Nasa computer shop ako nun and it was ugly crying. I deactivated everything. Kahit yung friendster account ko and if I can deactivate myself from existence, I will. He texted me a few weeks after. Bakit daw di na ako nagtetext. So I told him what happened. He said ‘Ako na bahala sa ‘atin’. So meron palang ‘kami’? He also said he was happy to know it was me. The feeling was as if my heart was patched. Ganun kadali. Text lang.

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Sabi nia rin sa kin na hindi pa siya ready. He was also mending his heart from his last relationship. So I thought he will make his move after graduation or before. I wasn’t sure. The waiting was painful. Hindi na kasi kami magkaklase the following sem so I only hear about him through common friends. I waited kasi sabi niya nga siya daw ang bahala. At umasa ako. Our communication lessen. Then it stopped. Na holdap ako on my way to school so I had no phone. When I got a new phone, I didn’t text him. I thought I should leave it to him. I’ve done my part. I’ve risked more than I planned.

Semester before graduation, we had a seminar sa auditorium. All Business students. I was kind of scared and excited to see him again. Kahit from a far lang. And I did see him. I saw them holding hands while exiting the auditorium. When he passed by where I was sitting, I glanced at him and he met my eyes. He looked down and kept walking. I was quiet the whole time. I was sure I wasn’t in pain. Because I was always in pain being away from him, waiting for him. That day, I felt nothing.

Nasalubong ko minsan yung girlfriend niya sa restroom and she nervously greeted me. Naging classmate ko siya so kilala niya ako. I wasn’t sure why was she nervous. Or was she guilty? Like she took something that belonged to me? All I wanted was to fast forward to graduation so I would stop feeling sorry for myself.

My first taste to love was bitter and ever since, I guarded my heart so no one can hurt me the way the first guy did. I stopped allowing myself from risking again. I made rules and I set limits to what I can give. What I regretted the most was replying to him that day when he was confirming my identity. Siguro kung hindi ako umamin, I wouldn’t be as broken when I saw him with someone else.

Never na kami nagkita after. There was a time he added me as a friend in facebook and I accepted his request but deleted him after a few days. He wasn’t someone I want to be friends with. The girl who loved him will always be a part of me. Needless to say, a part of me will always love him. But I don’t want to be that girl again.

I’ve created a much stronger version of me and I want to stay that way. If I’d change, it will be for the better. And if I find love again (I’m sure I will!), hindi lang one day magpa-party ang mga butterflies sa tummy ko, the party will be F-O-R-E-V-E-R ♥

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